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Scotland, Humor, Scottish Jokes,

    A Highland Proprietor before going abroad had advertised his shootings as " to let " and had instructed his gamekeeper to give the shooting a favorable reputation when inquiries were received from any prospective tenants. The first inquirer was an English sportsman and he naturally asked how the place was stocked.         " Were there any deer ? "
" Oh yes," replied the Keeper, " thousands of them. "
A little suspicious, the visitor again inquired, " And I suppose there are plenty of grouse ? "
" Yes, sir, " came the ready assurance, " thousands of them as well. "
" And pheasants ? "
" Yes indeed - thousands of pheasants. "
Thinking it time to put a stop to these wild estimates, the English visitor asked if there were any gorillas.
" Well, " came the cautious reply, " they are not just so plentiful. They do come rarely, you know, just like yourself. "

*  *  *

  Anyone coming in contact with the great numbers of tourists arriving in Scotland in yearly increasing numbers will have noticed that there are few among our visitors who are not at pains to claim that they have some Scots blood in their veins. Some of these proud claims have more substance than others. In one very mixed party, details of lineage's and family trees had been exchanged at length, when a native African member of the party-put forward his unexpected but confident claim with the rest.
" You see, " he explained, " my great grandfather was at the eating of a Scottish Missionary ! "

*  *  *

  Two shipwrecked Scots had been hanging on for hours to an upturned boat. Jock, realizing that he might not be able to hold our much longer, began to recount his past misdeeds, and to vow that if he escaped he would in future lead an entirely new life. Suddenly, there was a cry from his comrade in distress:
" Wait, Jock ! Don't commit yourself - I think I see land ! "

* *  *

  The old couple, still hale and hearty, were celebrating their diamond wedding, and to mark the occasion had received a special call from the Parish Minister.
As the visitor was about to leave, he asked if they could name their own special secret to account for their longevity.
" Oh, yes, " answered John readily enough, " it's marriage ! "
The minister beamed with pleasure. He could hardly wait to hear the further story of domestic harmony over the years.
" Marriage for long life, John, " he replied, " now that's most interesting . . .  . . "
But John cut him short.
" You see, " he went on, " this is the way of it. After I was married I said to the wife, 'Meg,'  I says, ' I must warn you that I've a very sharp tongue in my head, and I'm thinking that sometimes you'll hear the edge of it. But when you've had as much as you can stand, you can always open the door and gang out for a long walk ! "
" Well, John, " says Meg, " you'll learn quick enough that I've a very sharp tongue myself ! And when things get over hot for
you-well, as you say yourself, there's always the open door and a bit walk ! "
" Yes, yes, " concluded John with a wry smile, " that's our secret - plenty o' exercise and fresh air. "

*  *  *

   Lots of rain on the Isle of Skye. I asked a native for directions to Dunvegan Castle and he said it was ten miles as the crow floats.

*  *  *

  " I have a very unusual Scottish watch to offer you. It never needs a battery or any winding. It has no hands, and no face of an kind. "
" But how can you tell time ? "
" That's easy. Ask anybody. "

*  *  *

  They walked along the bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. It was a beautiful cloudless day. A perfect day for love and romance.
" See those birds skimming across the water, flapping their wings hundred times a minute ? " she asked.
" Aye, " he answered softly.
" And do you see they have their beaks together ? "
" Aye, " he said.
" Let's do that, " she implored.
" Goodness, " he said breathless y, " I'm afraid I can't flap my arms that fast."

*  *  *

  A Scot is the only man the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a glass of whisky.

*  *  *

  Sandy and Jock, enjoying an afternoon of fishing, were seated by the banks of the River Tay. " Say, " said Jock. " We're best friends, if you suddenly found a million dollars would you lend me ten thousand. "

" That depends, " said Sandy. " What collateral have you got ? "

*  *  *

  The tourist was boring everyone in the highland pub to death. He kept talking about a sea voyage to Africa, which interested no one. " The waves were fifty feet high, " he said. " I was at sea thirty years and never saw them that high. "
" Ah, well, " said one old highlander, " waves are much higher now than they used to be. "

*  *  *

  " Oh, Sandy, " sighed the wife one morning. " I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone ! "
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, " I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a large piece of it every day for going on twenty years. "

*  *  *

" Can I interest you in a nice pocket calculator ? " said the clerk.

" No thanks, " replied the canny Scot, " I know exactly how many pockets I have."

*  *  *

  The only ride Reverend MacDonald could get out of the little Highland village was in a mule-drawn carriage.
" One thing though, " said Sandy, the driver, " it's a bad road, and I can't rush my mule, Ben. He's been with me so long he's like a brother to me. Sandy pulled up after a few miles and pointed ahead. " Now, that hill's too steep for
Ben to climb with both of us in here. You'll have to walk. "
Reverend MacDonald got out and walked through the rough heather. After the minister got back in, the driver said, " Next hill's even worse. To spare Ben, this time I'll get out and walk. "
A few minutes later, the driver said, " I told you this hill is the worst of all. This time we'll both walk. Ben's getting tired already. "
Finally they reached their destination, mostly by foot through rough heather. Reverend MacDonald wearily paid the driver his fee. Then he said, " I had to come to this glen for the sake of my congregation. You had to come here for the money.. But for God's sake, why did we bring Ben ? "

*  *  *

  A Highlander stopped before a grave in the village cemetery, containing a carved tombstone declaring: " Here lies a lawyer and an honest manů.."

" And, who would ever think, " he murmured, " there would be room enough for two men in that one wee grave."

*  *  *

" Did anybody drop a roll of bills with a rubber band around them ? "
" Yes, I did, " said several voices in the bank lobby.
" Well, " said MacPherson, " I just found the rubber band. "

*  *  *

  On his deathbed a Scottish farmer named six bankers as his pallbearers and explained that as they had carried him for so long that they might as well finish the job.

*  *  *

" Are you looking for work MacDonald ? "

" Not necessarily - but I'd like a job. "

*  *  *

  Foreman - " How is it, Sandy, that you're only carrying one plank when the rest of the men are carrying two ? "
Sandy - " Well, I suppose they are just too lazy to make a double journey like I do."

*  *  *

  An Englishman was being tried for being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had bought the whisky.
" But I didn't buy it, Your Honor," said the Englishman. " A Scotsman gave it to me."
"Fourteen days for perjury." said the judge.

*  *  *

  Sandy was on his way home late one night when a neighbor beckoned him for help. " Here, " he said, " give me a hand to get this pig out of the truck. "
When they had got the pig out of his truck, the neighbor said, " Hold the pig still while I open the front door."
Sandy quickly did as he was told and the neighbor said, " Now help me push the pig upstairs. "
Sandy did that.
" Now, " he said, " help me put the pig in the bathtub. "
After a great deal of effort they managed to put the pig in the bath.
" Look, " said Sandy, " what is going on ? Why do you need to put a huge pig in the bathtub ? "
" I suppose you're entitled to an explanation." said the neighbor. " You see the problem is with my wife - she's one of those women who always knows everything. No matter what I tell her, she says to me, " I know, I know."
" But how is a pig in the bath going to help ? " asked Sandy.
" Well, tomorrow morning, " said the neighbor, " she's going to rush into the bedroom and scream at me, " There's a huge pig in the bath," and I'm going to lay back in bed and say to her, " I know, I know."

*  *  *

  Sandy was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice."
" Hold on a moment, " said Sandy with great gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

*  *  *

  This fellow went to a Scottish doctor and said. " Doctor, I've got a very poor memory. What do you advise ? "
" Well, " said the Doc, " for a start you can pay me in advance."

*  *  *

Sandy was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted.
" How much will it cost ? " he asked.
" $50, " replied the dentist.
" Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work ? " asked Sandy.
" Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist.
" Look," said Sandy, " here's $5. Just loosen it a little."

*  *  *

McNab was once run over by a brewery truck. it was the first time for years that the drink had been on him.

*  *  *

Judge -" It seems to me that I've seen you before."
MacDonald - " You have, your Honor; I gave your daughter bagpiping lessons."
Judge -" Thirty years."

*  *  *

  Sandy MacLeod was charged with shooting a number of pigeons, the property of a Highland farmer. Counsel for the defence tried to dissuade the old farmer.
Now, " he remarked, " are you prepared to swear that this man shot your pigeons ? "
" I didn't say he shot them," was the reply. " I said that I suspected him of doing it."
"Ah Now we're coming to it. What made you suspect it was Sandy ? "
" Well, first, I caught him on my land with a gun. Secondly, I heard the gun go off and saw some pigeons fall. Thirdly, I found four of my pigeons in his sporran, and I don't think the birds flew in there and then committed suicide."

*  *  *

Judge - " You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of the window."
Donald - " It was my Celtic temper. I did it without thinking, sir."
Judge - " Yes, I understand, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing on the street below."

*  *  *

" MacDonald, you've been convicted fourteen times of this offense - aren't you ashamed to own up to that ? "
" No, your honour. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of their convictions."

*  *  *

  Sandy - " It's tough to pay 40 cents a pound for meat."
Butcher -" Yes, Sandy. But it's much tougher when you pay only twenty. "

*  *  *

  Sandy - " I noticed a your ad in the Highland Gazette this morning for a man to retail imported parrots."
Store Owner - " Yes, Sandy. Are you looking for a job ? "
Sandy - " Oh, no; I just wondered how the parrots came to lose their tails."

*  *  *

  Antique Dealer - " Here I have a very rare old revolver from the time of the Ancients Picts."
Tourist - " But surely they didn't use revolvers."
Antique Dealer - "Ah - that is why it's so rare."

*  *  *

  The bonny young wife complained, " You love golf more than you love me."
" Maybe so Fiona, " her husband replied, " but I love you more than I love fishing."

*  *  *

" These rock formations, " explained the tourist-worn guide, "were piled up here in the Highlands by the glaciers. "
" But where are the glaziers now ? " asked a curious old lady.
" They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.

*  *  *

  The minister was at ease after service Sunday night.
" Many folks in church ? " asked his wife.
" Aye, good attendance - and a tourist was present, but I did not see him."
" But how do know ? "
" There was a twenty dollar bill in collection box."

*  *  *

" Did you ever hear that joke about the museum in Scotland that had a skull of Mary Queen of Scots when she was twelve in one room, and a skull when she was thirty in another ? "
" No, " said the Englishman. " What was it ? "

*  *  *

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